Deadliest Yak: The Legend of Moby Danny

This is not a fish story. This is a true account of events that took place in the environs of Vilano Beach on June 12, 2021, verifiable by numerous eyewitnesses including men, women, and one extraterrestrial of impeccable character.

Dozens of adventurous kayakers gathered on the south side of the Guana River Dam, the launch site for the voyage. There was champagne and caviar and dancing. Oh, the dancing! The mood was jovial as the group prepared to embark on a great adventure together, with all of the hopes and dreams that human beings can have.

The sky was clear when we set out, and although the breeze was against us at times, the tide was with us. After paddling for three miles, which seemed more like ten, we all gathered at a small beach to swim and socialize. The storm clouds to the west seemed distant.

Upon putting out to sea for the second time, I started out in the middle of the group. While others were gliding over the water in their fancy touring kayaks, I was plowing through in my fishing kayak. I did my best to keep up, but, after a while, I was trailing the group. I lost sight of any human presence for several hours.

The breeze stiffened and became a howling wind! Before long, the swells got deeper and deeper, well over ten feet at times. They were breaking over the bow, the stern, and both sides, sometimes simultaneously. I was blinded by the sea spray! Somehow, knowing that my life might be at stake, I kept paddling, paddling, paddling, like a mad man.

When my strength was gone, the beastly fish showed himself. I looked into his vacant eyes. In all my days, I have never seen a fish so angry. He bumped the kayak, over, and over, and over. After I was tossed from the yak, I could hear bagpipes! “Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…”

The ferocious fish bared his teeth as he came toward me. The end seemed to be very near. Then a dolphin bumped the evil thing. When I floated to the surface, all was peaceful. The water was smooth as glass! It seemed as if I had found my way to the eye of the storm.

The kayak was nearby. Aside from a few dents, it was intact. One of the hatches had opened up somehow, and there were two reds in there. I’m telling the truth, officer. I don’t have a fishing license, but the fact is I didn’t catch those fish. They gave themselves up for me. True story!