Sunday, August 20, 2017

Humor for the Totality, The Mother of All Traffic Jams, 2017 Eclipse Predictions

Box-headed people in 1963!
The bad news is that there is a nationwide shortage of glasses to view the eclipse. The good news is that suitable viewing boxes can be made out of the millions of Amazon boxes that have been piling up in Americans’ garages. Now, nobody has to miss out.


Pundits predict that traffic to and from the Path of Totality of the eclipse will produce the worst traffic jam in the history of humankind.  To listen to the media, the traffic promises to be even more apocalyptic than the apocalypse! It will be the Mother of All Traffic Jams. There will be shortages of food, fuel, water, Grey Poupon mustard, and escargot. The traffic is going to be so bad that most Americans will not be able to get out of their own driveways for days, possibly weeks.

According to experts in the media, this event will be like Y2K, the Mayan Calendar, and the 2016 election rolled into one. Who can bear the thought of living through any of those events again? Take a look out your front door. Traffic is probably piling up right now! Fill your gas tanks and get some water, while you still can.

I have a contrasting opinion about this event because I've observed various media using the power of exaggeration for decades, actually centuries, come to think of it. I, on the other hand, am predicting  another massive miss for the media. There will likely be heavy traffic here and there, but nothing beyond an annoying inconvenience for most people. You heard it here folks.

My next post may be from the Totality!


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Bill Maher and Kathy Griffin: Jokes that hurt and jokes that kill.

Once upon a time, I was having a good set at a small nightclub in Georgia. I was in my angry phase and that was really working for me. Someone in the audience asked, “Do you hate everyone?”
I said, “No, I don’t hate everyone. Just people like you.”
I know it doesn’t sound funny at all, but people were laughing. Then I said, “I’m kidding. That was just a joke. Have you noticed that when people say something was just a joke, it usually wasn’t?”
More laughter. Once in a while when you do standup, you can say anything and people will laugh. I even blew a few punchlines that night and people still laughed. On the other hand, when you tell lots of jokes, some of them are going to go wrong.

Sometimes when you say something off-the-cuff, you realize immediately that you shouldn’t have said it. Then you say, “I’m sorry. That was just a joke.” Sometimes an incident like that really is just a joke. At other times, the joke teller in question is saying it was just a joke only because someone got ticked off.
A big part of Bill Maher’s schtick has been making snarky remarks in response to one of his guests. He used the N word recently. In the moment, that seemed funny to him. Although Maher has a history of being edgy, he doesn’t have a history of using the N word often. The next day he posted an apology. Nevertheless, there are people who view him as a habitual envelope pusher and they want him to suffer serious consequences.
Kathy Griffin’s severed head incident was more than an offhand remark. Sometimes when a photographer is wrapping up a shoot, he or she says, “As long as we’re all set up, let’s try something zany.” From what Griffin said about the shoot, that may have been how the severed head photo came about. Still, the Trump head photo required a prop and that takes at least a little premeditation.
After the incident, Griffin posted a video apology which seemed sincere. On Friday, June 2, she held a press conference at her lawyer’s office. She was briefly remorseful. After that she was combative, she claimed the President and his family were out to destroy her, and she sobbed a few times. She said, “It was just a bad joke.”
At the outset of the press conference, she mentioned that she was nervous and that she probably would resort to jokes as a result of that. Still, going into standup mode in response to serious questions seemed strange. That’s her persona and it’s what she does, but it still seemed odd. It doesn’t seem like the press conference helped her to begin salvaging her career.
Griffin has been ridiculing Donald Trump since before he was elected. Contrary to what some people say, ridicule isn’t harmless. More often than not, it is intentionally destructive. Jokes can be very effective for pointing out how ridiculous and stupid someone is. People use ridicule to make fun of other people in an effort to break their spirit, one verbal swipe at a time.

People who enjoy insulting others say, “It was just a joke,” with some frequency. The more a person says it, the less likely it is to be true. 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

#KathyGriffin: When the joke goes wrong

When Kathy Griffin saw how many Americans were offended by the severed Trump head, she acknowledged that she went way over the line. Americans from both sides of the political spectrum agreed. As Melania Trump commented, it was very disturbing. Griffin posted an apology which seemed sincere. Nevertheless, there were consequences. Griffin was fired by CNN for the annual New Year’s Eve gig. Al Franken cancelled appearances with her.

With some of the commentary that has gone back and forth prior to the last election and since then, the line between decency and vulgarity seems to have disappeared. Profanity has become very common and the insults hurled between the right and the left are limited only by the imaginations of the people speaking them.


American comedians have been pushing political envelopes for decades. In the 1960s, Lenny Bruce was arrested several times for obscenity which would be considered quite mild now. George Carlin was charged for obscenity in 1972 for performing his Seven Dirty Words bit. Since then, many comedians have stepped over many lines. Others who come to mind for pushing it include Richard Pryor, Andrew Dice Clay, Andy Kaufman, Roseanne Barr, Chris Rock, Amy Schumer, Dave Chapelle, Daniel Tosh, Ricky Gervais, Carlos Mencia, Tracy Morgan, Gilbert Gottfried, and many more.

How does any of this apply to professional public speakers? It's a reminder that you have to be very careful about the jokes you tell. When telling jokes, it’s very important to keep the audience in mind and to avoid jokes that may be taken the wrong way and detract from the presentation. Just because a joke seems funny to you does not mean that most of the people in an audience will also find it funny. When in doubt, leave it out.

I used to tell one joke that I really loved. “I saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Meat is murder.’ Well, that must make me some kind of a sociopath, because I love the feeling of my incisors ripping through a nice juicy steak.” That joke rarely worked for me. If a joke doesn’t work the first time, try to figure out why and make any needed adjustments. If it doesn’t work a second time, you should really think about letting it go.

It’s refreshing to see that there is indeed a line which should not be crossed. Fake decapitations of President Trump are officially off limits. In my opinion, chatter about killing people with whom we disagree or wishing death upon them should be off limits as well. As I mentioned in my stump speech when I ran for Congress last year, the jokes have been getting uglier. It's hard to imagine an uglier joke than this latest stunt by Kathy Griffin. The time has come to Make America Laugh Again with kinder gentler jokes.

A liberal, a conservative, The Pope, and Kim Kardashian walked into a bar…


For tips on how to tell jokes, check out these previous posts.




Also, Humor 101: How to tell jokes for power, prestige, profit, and personal fulfillment is available on Kindle and it will soon be available in paperback. Check it out!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The News Junkie

Not Danny Murphy.
Wikimedia Commons.
I’ve been a news junkie since I was a boy. My first job in a suburb of Boston was delivering The Boston Globe, The Herald Traveler, and for a handful of discerning readers, the Record-American. Eighty or so newspapers on a bike, long before I started driving a car. There was another guy in the neighborhood who delivered the Patriot Ledger in the afternoon. 

My father worked in the Mailers’ Union for the newspapers. When I was in high school, right across Morrissey Blvd. from the Boston Globe, he got me a few shifts on Saturday nights putting the Sunday papers together at The Globe. That was back when the Sunday newspapers were gigantic. When I went on breaks, I enjoyed reading the paper in the middle of the night, before anyone else had an opportunity to.

I did well at writing in high school and I took writing classes in college. One of those courses was Magazine Feature Writing at the University of North Florida. That class was taught by the incomparable William Roach. Students in that class had to go through the process of writing and submitting four articles to magazines. One of mine got published! It was a thrill to see my name in print. I went on to write book reviews for the Florida Times-Union and numerous articles that were published in excellent magazines like Onyx, The Wittenburg Door, and National Business Employment Weekly.

In the 90s a friend of mine who was in radio ran for Congress and I got involved with his campaign. During that time I read dozens of books about the media. I was trying to learn enough to become the logical pick for press secretary if my friend won. Unfortunately, he didn’t win. I had accumulated so much information that I felt like I had to do something with it.

By that time, lots of Americans loathed the media. Trivial Pursuit was hot. I created a trivia game called Media Mayhem, the game that empowered people to trash the media, piece by illicit piece. I intended for it to be a fun way to learn about the media. Although the game didn’t sell as well as I would have liked, I did manage to get on over fifty talk radio shows throughout the country as a guest to talk about it.

I’ve never stopped being a news junkie. I still get two newspapers – the Wall Street Journal and the Florida Times-Union – delivered to the end of my driveway every morning. (Actually, the WSJ doesn’t publish on Sundays or holidays.) Also, I’ve continued to write for publication. Toward the end of 2016, it seemed to me that there would be a serious need for informative articles and blog posts to educate people about fake news. I wrote blog posts on topics like How to Spot Fake News, Pizzagate, Buzzfeed, Alternative Facts, and more.

To lighten things up, I also wrote fake news about fake news. Those posts include titles like Fake News Announces it will Develop a Code of Ethics, and a post about the fictitious Fakies Awards. I believe that humor and satire can be very effective for making points about serious subject matter.

Check out the book, Fake News 101, at Amazon.com. As a former reviewer of books, I can assure you that it will be well worth your time. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Lights! Camera! Blackout? A story of a friendship restored during the holidays.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the home,
no devices were running, not even a phone.
The children did gather, totally bored,
in hopes that the power would soon be restored.
Christmas Eve was unseasonably mild. The power went out right after sunset when people were turning their Christmas lights on. Shortly afterwards, Fred rolled his generator into position not far from the kitchen window. He had purchased it a few months earlier in preparation for Hurricane Matthew. It was still shiny and new. It was also easier to crank up than his lawnmower.

After the generator warmed up, Fred connected the refrigerator, the TV, and some lights. The generator was loud, but the power it provided was well worth it. Wilma, Fred’s wife said, “I’m really glad we have that, even though we didn’t use it for long when the storm came through.”
“Yeah, me too,” Fred replied. “Aside from stepping over the electric cords, life’s almost normal tonight. I’m going outside to see what’s going on with our neighbors.”
Walking to the end of the driveway, Fred heard other generators. However, they were all in the distance. It sounded like his was the only one running nearby. As he approached the end of the driveway, he saw no evidence of electricity in his neighbors’ homes.
With a hint of smug satisfaction in his voice, he told his wife, “It looks like we’re the only ones on the street with a generator.”
“So, Barney and Betty have no power?” Wilma asked.
Fred cleared his throat before answering. “Well, honey, they live right next door and I don’t hear a generator over there. Furthermore, their lights aren’t on. So, I think it’s fair to conclude that they have no power.”
“Maybe it will come back on soon,” she said.
“Yeah maybe,” Fred replied as he turned on the TV. He wanted to see if there was any news about the mysterious power outage.
The talking heads on the local news programs all said the same thing. “A JEA spokesperson says that the utility is working to restore the power, although they have not yet determined the exact cause.”
“That’s not very encouraging. They don’t know what the problem is but they’re working to fix it,” Fred told Wilma.
“Is there anything we can do for Barney and Betty?”
Fred and Barney had been best friends and fishing buddies for over a decade, right up until early November. In the leadup to the election, they argued a lot over politics. Then they stopped speaking to one another.
In a perturbed tone of voice, Fred said, “Why would you ask me that?”
“Because Barney is your best friend, and it’s time to put this insane election behind us. Can you stop being so hard-headed?”
Fred softened up. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. We can spare some power. I’ll take a walk over there.”
Wilma told him, “No gloating. Over the election or the generator.”
Barney had a flashlight in his hand when he answered the front door. “Hey, Fred. How’s it going?”
“OK. How are you and Betty?”
“Well, I'm living in the dark, like a caveman. Betty said she enjoyed the cold dinner by candlelight. Me, not so much.”
Fred said, “I just saw the news and it doesn’t seem like anyone knows when the power will come back.”
“I heard that on the radio. Hopefully it will come back on soon.”
“Who knows? After Matthew, some people were back up in a few hours and some people were out for a week. I’ve got more wattage than I need. If you want, you can throw a line over the fence and I’ll connect it to my generator. You could at least power up the fridge and a few lights.”
“Thanks, Fred. That’s very generous of you. Our refrigerator is packed with stuff for tomorrow and Betty has been getting antsy about it.”
After they got things connected, Barney asked Fred, “Would you like to sit down for a cold one before you go home?”
“You know I would,” Fred answered.
They seated themselves at the kitchen table.
“I really appreciate you hooking me up Fred. It’s easy to take electricity for granted till you lose it. Having some light back in the house is nice.”
“It’s no big deal. Thanks for the brew,” Fred said after taking a long sip.
“This election was the craziest I’ve ever seen,” Barney said.
“You got that right. I’m glad it’s behind us.”
“Agreed, old friend.”
“So, do you have any big plans for the holidays?” Fred asked.
“Well, I’m thinking of getting up early tomorrow morning to fish. Of course, it would be a lot better with a fishing buddy. Are you up for that?”
“Fishing on Christmas morning? Sounds interesting. I’ll have to clear that with the boss, but yeah, that sounds good to me.”
“Hey, I hear something outside, and it doesn’t sound like reindeer,” Barney remarked.
Out by the street, a bucket truck parked, 
and a JEA lineman soon disembarked. 

Children gazed out their windows with glee, 
looking forward to once again lighting their trees.
After a few minutes, the lights came back on.
“Looks like the power’s back. It’s a Christmas miracle,” Barney said.
As Fred was heading out, Barney said, “Thanks again for coming over and hooking us up.”
“Thanks for being a friend, Barney. I realized something important tonight.”
“What was that, Fred?”
“Friendship is one of the greatest gifts of them all. And, like electricity, you tend to take it for granted until you lose it. Let’s not let anything stupid happen to our friendship again.”
“Agreed,” Barney nodded. “And Merry Christmas.”

Monday, November 28, 2016

Santa may cancel deliveries due to drone traffic.

Since the 1960s, when Rudolph began lighting the way, there has never been any talk of shutting down Santa’s delivery runs. However, new issues have come up which may force the cancellation of Christmas. The air traffic from holiday delivery drones has been building for several years, and an insider at the North Pole says a shutdown by Santa may be imminent because of it.

“The reindeer like to work and none of them have ever complained, formally, about extra shifts through the holidays. However, all of the reindeer are concerned about safety,” said the insider. “There is talk of forming a union. The reindeer want to be sure they’ll get back to their families, and they want their safety concerns addressed by upper management.

"Santa Claus, LLC, is very concerned about competition from holiday delivery drones. Another issue is the liability, aside from the possible death and/or dismemberment of the reindeer, associated with delivery operations. The organization’s insurance rates have skyrocketed and they now have to get a special policy to travel outside the Arctic Circle.”


One red-nosed reindeer, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “I was really looking forward to making the deliveries this year. Amazon, FEDEX, and others have cut into our business but we're still very competitive. We’ve retrofitted our lighting systems with LEDs to reduce our carbon hoofprint along with our energy consumption. The technology is amazing and the testing has gone well. It will be a shame if we can’t make the actual run. On the other hand, I’m as concerned about safety as any other reindeer. The substandard wages and the lack of healthcare benefits are also a problem, especially for reindeer with children.”